How Long?
Jan 26th, 2007 by Siri Ved Kaur
This piece was written almost four months after Siri Singh Sahib Ji passed away. I was very much feeling the loss that day and still struggled with the flood of emotion I knew would come if I allowed the tears flow.
January 31, 2005
“How long do you think it’s going to take? How long until we get through this?” I didn’t feel like there would ever be enough time. Hari Kirn looked at me and I could tell she was searching for a reply. My eyes were starting to fill up… I didn’t really want to hear her answer. I didn’t really want an answer. The moment’s silence was over with her words, “As long as it takes, I guess.”
I was already leaving and a few short steps brought me outside of the gurdwara. The sky had clouded over again and a light drizzle was just beginning to fall. A handful of people yet lingered outside; everyone else had left after langar. I popped my umbrella open and angled it precisely to block others’ view of my face. She came out and joined me under my umbrella, helping me to adjust one of the tips that had come loose. Our eyes connected…with a knowing, a shared pain, and so many years together on this path.
It’s so hard to even think about. I can’t go there. I just can’t even go there. It is easier to keep it blocked out and go on with life. “We’ll get through this,” she said. “Let the tears come, and then you can go on.”
We parted and I walked the few blocks home. The drizzle had picked up and by the time I reached my driveway it was nearly pouring. I looked up into the sky and felt the blessing of the rain upon my face; the heavens shedding the tears I cannot.
