June, 1984
It’s Sunday morning gurudwara at the Anchorage Ashram. I’m playing kirtan with GuruMeher, the man I am to marry in exactly six weeks. We bargained with Yogi Ji last night for extra time. I have just turned eighteen and returned from school in India. I’ve only been back in America for a week.
“Tomorrow’s Sunday, get married tomorrowâ€, he had said. This would have been my wedding day, but I am not ready yet.
Now we’re playing Anand Sahib. For two lines the melody goes up, for two lines it goes down. There’s one half line though, it’s a weird one, and I lose it. I go up, GuruMeher goes down. I’m leading, so he tries to follow me, but it’s wrong. I’ve messed up.
“Stop! Stop!†Yogi Ji bellows. “Start again.†We start at the beginning. I get to that same half line; does it go up or down? I question myself, I flounder. I feel my face burning red hot. I stop and begin again. This time, thankfully, it goes okay. We’re finished, and I move aside for someone else to lead us in a special chant.
Sitting with my head bowed I feel myself start to shake uncontrollably. I feel cold, icy on the inside, even though it’s quite warm in the room. My whole body is shivering, trembling. I clench my jaw, try to will my limbs to stay still. Am I embarrassed? Scared? Nervous? What is this force that has come over me that I have no power to control?
Yogi Ji is sitting about ten feet away. I stare at his broad back while I try to stop my shivering. His head is bowed, in meditation or prayer. He’s not looking at me or even in my direction. I see his body tremble a bit, like a small jolt was shot through him. Then it begins more intensely. His eyes are still closed, his hands clasped in his lap. His whole body starts shaking, violently. He seems to be absorbing all my trembling, my chill, my fear and angst, directly from my body into his.
I continue to stare at him, amazed, and focus on my breath. I watch him shake one last, violent time. I unclench my jaw. I now feel completely at ease. I am warm and calm and at peace. We all stand for Ardas.
